por Nomtita Khatri
Há mais de uma década, o desgosto foi a iniciação que marcou o início de uma compreensão sentida da conexão consciente com meu corpo. Quando uma dor semelhante a uma faca se instalou em meu tendão e órgãos pedindo para ser sentida, tendrilhas conectando a raiz a outros pontos de dor, recheadas até então sem sentido, eu poderia ter sido sábia o suficiente para ouvir.
Mas eu não o fiz. Naquele momento não o fiz.
Sem recorrer aos mitos e cerimônias que acompanham a escuridão de trânsitos de vida como este, recorri ao que eu conhecia melhor, como disse Eva, "ativismo estridente, horas brutais e controle apertado". Fiz isso impensada e automaticamente, derivando um senso de mim mesma quando eu estava desmoronando, vivendo nos espaços confinados da esperteza de minha mente. Minha cultura aplaude. E me inclinei para essa imagem de mim mesma enquanto a minha dor, experimentada através de sensações em meu corpo passou em grande parte despercebida. Até que eu desmaiasse, eu baniava com regularidade e determinação o que meu corpo estava tentando me dizer com uma lógica astuta. Sentiria um queimadura em diferentes graus durante a década seguinte.
Há alguns anos, enquanto trabalhava em meu mestrado e vivia em uma terra que parecia a minha casa, caminhava pela floresta perto de um rio que fluía rapidamente e e então comecei a perceber os padrões de estresse de longa data em meu corpo, pedindo para serem soltos. Ao curar de um estado de colapso quase constante, comecei inconscientemente o trabalho não linear, não-lamoroso, de forjar uma relação comigo mesma, aprofundando no feminino, meu corpo e minha psique.
Back then and fortunately for me, at the time, the ritual I did practice, was that of stewarding vegetable gardens. Working with kinesiology to listen for how the gardens were asking to be tended meant forging a relationship with Silence, and learning to become a sanctuary of safety within my own body. Working with gardens and the land in this way meant that I had to connect with the wisdom and intelligence of the land itself by making by own body the most static-free instrument of listening that I could. What I now have language for was an experience in learning to trust the unknown, to listen for the breadcrumbs of how I was meant to be in Life as opposed to what I was mean to be doing. "Knowing that you love the earth changes you, activates you to defend and protect and celebrate. But when you feel that the earth loves you in return, that feeling transforms the relationship from a one-way street into a sacred bond." - Robin Wall Kimmerer.
As a former bio-dynamic gardener and in my now-fledgling practice of Intuitive herbalism, I found myself challenged, sheltered, and seen all at once, not by people, but by the plants that have held me in difficult times. By the act of inviting direct experience of the land and working with unconventional ways of thinking and seeing the world I am expanding my capacity for curiosity, resilience and how I belong to it. Here began another chapter in living love. By which I mean, the practice of blurring habitual mental boundaries that Other. Falling in love with my own animal body, I am able to see and live in kinship with the more-than-human-world. To listen for and to re-remember how to live within its laws and with it.
In 2020, I came to the Aura Fellowship having explored ideas of our relationship of power with the more-than-human world, for my dissertation in a Masters in Ecology and Spirituality. Since then, I have had the opportunity to stew in vast quantities of pandemic-brought-isolation, while sharpening my felt sense of the world and the ways in which I have lived in disconnection. I have done this, by learning to pay attention to my nervous system - the instinctual part of my organism that responds to outside stimuli at a pace slower than the clever, overthinking mind. That same felt sense is the practice I lean into, to reconnect with my own animal body, nature, place, and spirituality.
The cosmology of a practicing intuitive herbalist is the knowing that plants need to be honoured not only as a physical beings, but as spiritual ones too. It places personal relationships to plants at its core, to allow a deeper experience of the self, along with the consciousness of the plant that is approached. This means, paying attention to what is mirrored back to me by sifting through the smog of my own conditioning, wounding, and worldview; knowing that each plant has the potential to transform, teach and heal. When we can do the humbling work of changing internally, external reality by extension shifts. It has been a not-always-conscious-commitment in choosing not to abandon myself that has provided connection to myself and my body and consequently a lived, sensuous understanding of my sovereignty.
Nomita Khatri, is a storyteller, researcher, artist and trauma counsellor. An Indian woman of mixed religion, she practices belonging to herself and the world by listening to plants.
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